Dear Harriet: I’ve lost weight, so my friends treat me differently. I have always been a heavier friend. Last year I started my fitness journey, which was astounding for my self-esteem. I dress better, go out more, and I’m just a remarkably happy person.
A few months ago, I realized that my friend wasn’t treating me as much as I was when I grew up. It’s pretty subtle, but since I’m invited everywhere with them, I’m only receiving invitations for certain things. One friend in particular commented on how “cheeky” I was. There is no cheeky way for me. I think they’re used to being totally unconfident in me, so they don’t know how to deal with my confident version. How do you handle this? — New confidence
Dear New Confidence: Start by talking to that friend. Ask questions, not defend. Specifically, find out what the friend was talking about when he said you were cheeky. Listen to what they think you are doing differently now. Listen carefully so that you can understand what is in their hearts.
Admit that your life has changed. As you lose weight, you are developing self-confidence, something you had little before. Tell your friends that your life feels different. Explain what you like about being healthy and what you are challenging. Among those challenges is the changing dynamics of friend groups.
Tell this friend, and to a larger group you see them treating you differently. Please ask why. Tell them what you want. If it is to stay close to them, discuss it and decide what makes both sides happy. Also, be aware that you may need to expand or recurate your friend group.
Dear Harriet: My mother buys whatever my kids want, but she usually asks me to refund her what she bought. My sons are old enough to ask for a million things. I know when to say no to them, but my mother doesn’t. She will eventually pay all the costs. I told her she couldn’t afford to keep spoiling them that way, but she keeps doing it whenever they spend time with her. what should i do? ――Say no
Say Dear No: Sit your mother and tell her that you have to draw a line. Explain that you don’t believe in giving everything your kids demand, and that you can’t afford it. When she buys things for them from now on, warn her that you will not be able to give her a refund. Then follow up on the matching action. She shouldn’t repay her. At first, your mother will be shocked as you set a precedent for giving in to her whims. The time has come for a new precedent. Stop paying, and soon she will stop buying.
Harriet Cole is a life stylist and founder of DREAM LEAPERS, an initiative that helps people access and rejuvenate their dreams. Questions can be sent to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c / o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO64106.
